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For younger kids, Halloween is pure magic. But by the time they hit middle school, costumes stop being about Imagination and start signaling something else entirely: belonging.
That reality hit home for many parents after a segment on TODAY with Jenna & Friends went viral. In the clip, a mom asked whether her daughter could join another group’s Halloween costume: an innocent question that struck a nerve.
“My daughter, Sophie, has been planning a group costume with her friends,” she wrote. “They all want to go trick-or-treating together. I just heard from another mom asking if her kid can tag along. What do I do?”
Host Jenna Bush Hager admitted she’d “back way up” from that kind of “drama,” preferring to let kids “work it out.” But psychologist and mom of three Dr. Noëlle Santorelli (@drnoellesantorelli) saw something deeper and more familiar, in the exchange. A viral Instagram post by Dr. Noëlle Santorelli, which has already racked up 127,000 views, is resonating with parents for exactly that reason: it exposes the high-stakes, often invisible rules of tween friendships and the quiet discomfort moms feel when they see exclusion play out.
“Mom dynamics can get really messy,” she explained in her now-viral video. “But when we avoid those hard moments because of the discomfort, our kids learn to avoid them too.”
Related: Only 1/4 of teens feel their social and emotional needs are being met, according to new study
The Hidden Hierarchy Behind Halloween Group Costumes
Dr. Santorelli points out that group costumes might look lighthearted, but they’re often a stage for social hierarchies to play out.
“The group costume isn’t just about matching outfits or being M&Ms,” she explained. “It’s a quiet display of social belonging. It signals who’s in, who’s not, and where you fall on the social ladder.”
For the mom who reached out, Dr. Santorelli believes her message came from a place of courage, not intrusion. “It was probably the mom of a child who thought she was part of the group until she realized she wasn’t—and the pain in that home is probably really real,” she said in the video.
The comments on her post quickly filled with parents who had lived versions of this story themselves.
Parent Perspectives: Lessons from the Comments
Viewers of Dr. Santorelli’s video weighed in with thoughtful takes on how to handle exclusion in group activities. Many highlighted the importance of teaching children empathy and inclusion, while also helping them recognize who truly values their friendship. Others noted that these moments can be an opportunity for kids to build resilience, assert boundaries, and create their own social circles with those who genuinely want to include them. Parents across the board agreed that Guidance in these situations isn’t about controlling interactions, but fostering awareness, confidence, and healthy social skills.
@glolifestyles — “If my child hadn’t been invited, I would support them to accept that it’s good as now they know where they stand and can start making effort with people that want to include them.”
@edenbgorney — “Sometimes Moms should get involved! Teach your child empathy!!! How would your child feel if they were the excluded one!”
@helena_andrews — “There are 2 important learning opportunities here. Empathy and inclusion. But also recognizing who your real friends are which is just as important for girls navigating hierarchies.”
How friendship dynamics shape emotional development in tweens
According to a 2021 review published in Frontiers in Psychology by I. L. de Laia Almeida and colleagues, prolonged social isolation during childhood and Adolescence can significantly affect emotional regulation, cognitive growth, and the ability to form and maintain healthy peer relationships.
In a longitudinal study published in Developmental Psychology, researcher Brett Laursen found that close friendships can serve as a protective buffer, moderating the negative effects of peer exclusion and social isolation on children’s emotional adjustment. What this means in the context of a seemingly light-hearted event—like a Halloween group costume—is that small moments of inclusion or exclusion are far from trivial; they reflect the real social hierarchies and emotional bonds that shape tween friendships.
Navigating the Tween Friend Group Maze: Reflection Questions for Parents
For parents, this moment is layered. Social hierarchies, unspoken rules, and the fear of being judged can make it uncomfortable to intervene. But stepping back doesn’t always serve our kids. Dr. Santorelli shares four reflection questions parents can ask themselves to navigate these tricky moments:
- Who’s in the group?
- How did the idea come together?
- Could someone feel left out, and could they join if they really wanted to?
- How can I help my child learn empathy, inclusion, and awareness?
The goal isn’t to control the situation, she emphasizes, but to model courage and kindness for kids while helping them handle social nuances with emotional intelligence.
As the Halloween season approaches, Dr. Santorelli’s viral post is a reminder that these moments are about more than candy or costumes—they’re small but critical opportunities for children to learn empathy, for parents to teach inclusion, and for everyone to navigate the tricky social terrain of growing up.
Related: 18 positive affirmations for tweens—because middle school is hard
The Bigger Lesson Beyond Halloween
As the Halloween season approaches, Dr. Santorelli’s viral post reminds us that these moments go beyond candy and costumes—they are essential opportunities for children to practice empathy, for parents to model inclusion, and for everyone to navigate the complex social world of growing up.
Source:
- Frontiers of Psychology. 2021. “Social isolation and its impact on child and adolescent development: a systematic review.”
- Developmental Psychology. 2009. “Friendship Moderates Prospective Associations Between Social Isolation and Adjustment Problems in Young Children.”